Initially I started this blog to help our friends and family members track Andrew's progress through his year-long cancer treatment. But more recently I have been receiving phone calls and emails from friends and family members about their own life-changing medical experiences, that I thought I would broaden my topics to help my loyal audience understand how we managed Andrew's overall care, health and well-being and our own sanity throughout this ordeal. And how we continue to deal with issues as they arise on a daily basis ... here is our story.
As much as I think our married life is 'normal', I have come to realize that my perception of what is 'normal' may be a little off base. About 2 months ago I started a new job at a university in the Northern Virginia Area. Meeting new colleagues and learning a new routine has its' own challenges but trying to explain why I have not been working for the past 10 months, and that I didn't have a baby and wasn't laid off by the economy or the recession, has left me to question about the normalcy of our past year.
Anyone who has gone through a major life-changing experience can relate to the awkwardness that occurs when colleagues ask, "So what were you doing before you came here?" Any normal, warm blooded mammal would want to respond honestly, that is of course your first reaction, but not all recipients of the answer can handle the truth. I have been delicately walking the line between the truth, 'I have been taking care of my husband who was battling cancer for the past year'; and a canned less truthful answer, 'I was at another university and then took some time off for the past year to deal with personal matters.' No matter which answer I give, eyebrows raise and in most cases curious questions follow. Saying that you have been away from work on personal matters usually gives people the impression that you, personally, were locked up in a padded room, for some time ,and only given foods that could be eaten with a spoon while rocking back and forth humming to yourself .... Kinda think about it, maybe I should have chosen that option this past year!! But using the C word ... Cancer ... always makes people stop in their tracks. When I say cancer, I can see people's reaction. They tense up and give me that 'deer in heads lights' look so commonly associated with the shock of hearing that someone Andrew's age was struck by this disease. And usually after the initial shock leaves their body, a wave of pity follows with a follow-up question of, "So is he ok now?" I find myself laughing at that question now and one day I'm going to be brave enough to answer back, "That depends what your definition of ok is? If your definition is that we live our life every 3 months to 3 months just waiting to see if his most recent scans are clear from cancer or if it has reoccurred and wondering what we will do next if it has ... then yes, he's just fine!!" But my normal response is, "yes, he's fine."
For most people, it is hard to fully grasp the concept that someone who seems very healthy on the outside, actually has cancer on the inside. Something that I've learned first hand is that cancer does not care who you are, how much money you have, if you are a good person or not, or if you can handle the disease. It can strike at any time and without warning. And no one is immune to its deadly path of fury.
So here are a few things to remember when someone tells you that there life, loved one, or themselves is or has been affected by cancer:
1. Be supportive, but not intrusive. Ask if you make dinner; take the kids for an afternoon; drive them to an appointment; do the laundry or clean the house. Name specific things you would be happy to do instead of putting the 'ball in their court' to call when they need something.
2. Even if you are upset to hear the news, be respectful of others feelings too. It is hard enough for some people to say they have cancer without having to console you.
3. Listen without always needing to respond or add your own personal story to the conversation. Cancer patients and their caretakers sometimes need to vent their fears and frustrations without judgment or comment.
4. Treat the person affected by cancer as normal as possible. No one wants to be treated like they are sick all the time, so allow the patient to back-out of plans only if they want to.
5. Don't be afraid to talk about the illness but don't always make it the topic of conversation. Being inquisitive and concerned is natural but being overbearing can become a burden.
6. Be honest with the person who has cancer if you cannot handle hearing about their disease. Not everyone can bear to see and hear about the patient for their own personal reasons, but being honest upfront is always the best policy. In that case, sending cards or emails is a great way to show you care.
No matter what, always be mindful of what the cancer patient and their families wishes may be but always be supportive in any way possible. Cancer does not always have to mean the worst and with new research being discovered every day, maybe one day soon, we will see a cure for this senseless disease.
Raising awareness for Rare Diseases ....
No comments:
Post a Comment