L.B.S.

So I've decided that supermodels were put on this earth to make us mere mortals feel less and less adequate the older we get. It's been a good run for me so far but as the days in April tick by, I am coming closer and closer to loosing the number 2 in from of age and having to replace it with a .... swallow hard .... 3!!! Andrew and I are both approaching the Big 3-0!! He is of course excited to tackle his 30's with a new vigor and lease on life where I on the other hand just want to curl up in the fetal position under my desk with a fifth of whatever and cry knowing that my best years are behind me. It's truly unfair the older I get. As a man, it's cute getting old. Everyone thinks your gray hair adds distinction and no ones comments on your extra roles around your mid-section. It's even cute to be a dirty old man and hit on young co-ed's. People just laugh. But as a women, it's now time to rev-up the treadmill to an incline of 5 and push ourselves to run that extra mile and resist that donut. I minute on the lips ... forever on the hips. And as for those gray hairs, don't get me started on that ... talk about showing your age.

Leading me to the new realization of what the scale is really saying these days. It used to say, "O well you gained a few pounds, but guess what it's LBS ... Little Bikini season!!!" Now as I hit the scale at 30 .... it says "you've gained a few pounds ...and LBS stands for, Lazy Bones Syndrome." Even the scale is mocking my age these days. The battle of the bulge is the definitely hardest part of this birthday. I used to be able to run and lift and see an immediate result, boosting my confidence ... but now all I want to do is eat rice-crispy treats (since they are gluten free) and watch teen movies with the dog instead of working out and not seeing that instant ab-line.

Speaking of the dog ... in my next life, I want to come back as a bulldog. Talk about the life. Sleeps all day ... and everyone thinks his fat roles and pudgy cheeks are adorable and the slower he moves the cuter and more lovable he becomes.

So if anyone is looking for a good birthday present for me, I'll take the number of a fantastic plastic surgeon in the McLean area, a session of botox, a box of hair dye, a one-piece bathing suit and matching cover-up and all of the mirrors in my house raised to above shoulder level!!! I am also counting on the new hot tub that my parents just bought to be one of those hot tub time-machines so I can go back to 1996 ... sweet sixteen!!! Not that I want to go back to being 16 ... but I want to go back and tell myself to work out really really hard and truly enjoy my washboard abs and perky backside ... because before you know it it's which night cream will get rid of this damn wrinkle that just appeared under my left eye and 50 SPF to save any chance of getting even older, if that's possible.

But as for Andrew, he's looking forward to his 30's ... hopefully I'll be able to get on that bandwagon .. or fall off, depending on how much of that fifth he lets me have!!!

So allow me to make a toast to all of my friends who are also in this boat with me ... you know who you are ... you '79 and '80's babies.

(please raise your shot of Jose Cuervo)

Let's raise our glasses one last time,

And toast to the last twenty-nine.

May the next 30 bring us great joy,

and if not then a mid-life crisis and a garage full of toys.

Let's raise our glasses one last time,

and not put them down 'till we run out of salt and lime.

Bottoms up!!!